Confessions...

My confession? I hate failing. It's almost as if I am incapable of accepting failure. Does this mean I don't fail? No, quite the contrary. I fail a lot..it's just a lot more devastating to me than most.

Another confession.. I am a perfectionist, and take things WAY too seriously sometimes. This means if things are not going as smoothly as I feel they should.. I'm stressed..very stressed. Sound unreasonable? It is. But that doesn't help me stop trying to constantly reach perfection and then stressing when I fail to reach the unreachable.

In the years since becoming a mother, I have read a lot. When I say a lot, I mean.. a lot. I have read 4 books on how to 'get through pregnancy', 8 books on how to put your baby to sleep and countless magazines..twice. Yes, I have now read each of the countless magazines I purchased/received while learning how to raise my first son, Ethan, again as I am convinced there must be somethings I can improve on for the raising of our second son, Lucas.

I love to read and reading has helped me to know answers to some of life quirkiest dilemma's.. like what color should my son's poop be or how often should he go? Questions like how to take a rectal temperature and when to call the doctor or go to E.R.

While I have learned a ton and thought I had a good handle on what I needed to do, here I am with my second son, who will be 11 weeks old on Friday and I have failed him. In over two months of a godzillion feedings, I have yet to determine how to relieve him of his discomfort so that he can begin enjoying this life we so graciously were blessed to be able to provide to him. A life that to this date I'm convinced he would rather have not had if it weren't for those awfully cute smiles and lighthearted squeals of joy in between the screams of pain..

Our saga continues and tomorrow I will start our 13th formula combination in an effort to soothe his pain. He is now on his second medication for reflux and continues to take Miralax to relieve his constipation. I admit I am fearful of tomorrow's results. We are running out of formulas to try without going to special order which means we have bigger issues than I hope to have.

If there is anything I have been able to take away from all of this is that while my issues are annoying and heartbreaking, I am grateful this is all that we have to work through. So many have much more life threatening scenarios that help keep my griping to a minimum. I am tired and I am frustrated but through it all, I am thankful for the opportunity to be a mother to two wonderful boys, who even though I may never reach perfection will still love me all the same. Perhaps this is the first step in getting over my inability to accept failure, to realize it's not failure but rather an opportunity for improvement!