This post has been burning on my heart for weeks. I've hesitated writing it because I wasn't sure where it was going to take me, if I'd be brave enough to actually publish it, or if it would come across as helpful or me just rambling. And I'm certain someone will disagree with me. But, I can't get it off my mind so I'm going to just do it. I am actually going to post it in a few parts sort of like a mini-series.
Let this be considered Part 1 of my "First Comes Love, Then Comes Marriage.." Series.
"First Comes Love, Then Comes Marriage, Then Comes Baby in the Baby Carriage"...yeah, and then what?!? Do you remember that song? We used to sing it on the playground when we were teasing two kids who "liked" each other or wanted to "go" with each other. It was almost as if we were trying to say being in love was a bad thing. You made fun of those kids, even though secretly you were wishing it was you that was holding hands with that special someone.
Years later, you find that special someone. You fall in love. You get married. You have kids (for some its pets) and then all hell breaks loose. And you wonder, where was that in the song? No one told me it was going to be hard, tedious work, this whole marriage thing. No one told me that after the baby carriage you're going to be too exhausted to give two hoots about much else. And you start to wonder if the next line should be "Divorce," and sadly for many, it is.
How many of you have ever caught yourself saying any one of these phrases about your husband:
- I just wish he would do a little more.
- I wish he still did this like he used to.
- He used to do this for me, but not anymore.
- What does he think I do all day?
- Would it kill him to say thank-you every once in awhile?
- Yes, he helps with that, but I wish he would do more of this instead.
- Doesn't he understand maybe I would like to do that?
- Does he realize how tired I am?
- I wish he would notice me like he used to.
- He doesn't even try anymore.
- God, he annoys me sometimes.
- Why doesn't he comfort me like he used to?
- Does he realize how much I have to get done still?
If you're married, you've probably thought one of these at least once. And unless you're a newlywed, probably a whole lot more than that. Am I saying it's different for newlyweds? Yes, I am.
I've been married for 8 years. We dated for 4 years before that. That's 12 years with the same guy. In 12 years, you start to get to know someone really well, and yet, there is always something new to learn. And because people change, what you knew 12 years ago might not hold true today. A relationship is something that you constantly have to work on. Key word, "work".
When you first make a friend, you talk for hours right? That's how you connect. You talk about everything under the sun and you can't wait to do things with them, to spend more time with them. It's the same when you fall in love. You get that butterfly feeling because not only have you made a new friend, but you're attracted to this person and it's new and exciting because you don't know what to expect from one moment to the next. And that's exactly why it goes away. Because after you've been married for awhile, you know exactly what to expect. The.same.thing.everyday. You get up at the same time everyday, you do the same job everyday, you wear the same clothes you've had for years and you make one of the same meals you've been making for years and you go to bed at the same time. How exciting is that? It's not.
Without the unexpected surprises and the effort that people put into a new relationship, the falling in love "feelings" disappear. Does this mean you don't love them anymore? Absolutely not. Does this mean that the marriage is doomed for failure and you should leave? NO. It just means you're going to need to step up and put some effort forth - like.you.used.to. That's right, YOU.
Do you ever wonder why over 50% of marriages end in divorce? I mean really stop and think about it. I bet you're answer was that there are multiple reasons - unfaithfulness, abuse, disagreements, etc.. And you would be partially right. Sure, there are various reasons people divorce, but the basis for all their reasons is exactly the same, they became unhappy or unsatisfied. Right? But how many of them were unhappy the day they got married? Not many. Did they get married because they weren't "in love"? Not likely.
So why do people become unhappy in their marriages? That's easy. They stopped focusing on their spouses' needs and started focusing on their own. Instead of saying "What can I do to make my husband happy today" your thoughts were more "Why doesn't he try to make me happy anymore?" And that, my friends, is an evil door that we need to learn to slam shut and lock, for good.
Tell me, when you are going through your list of complaints, do you ever stop and look at how
they feel? How have
you changed? What little things did you use to do for him that you don't do anymore? Are you not doing those things because you don't think he'd like them anymore, or because you're resentful? Come on, be honest. Did you stop telling him he looked good before work because he doesn't or because he stopped saying it to you? Did you stop writing him love notes for his lunch because he stopped saying thank-you for them, or he forgot to read a few? When is the last time you sat and actually watched sports with him..or do you sit next to him reading blogs on the laptop or do chores instead? Remember when you used to cuddle just to cuddle? Yeah, I bet he's got a few phrases he says about us too.
So, today, I want you to write a list. Not a list of what it is you wish he would do, but a list of what you stopped doing for him. Think back to those first few months of dating. Then, I want you to add to your list when you think the last time you did that for him was. Was it a month ago? A year ago? Can't remember? Finally, I want you to make a point to do one of those things this week. And come back ready to talk about what his reaction was.
Look for Part 2 of this series to be posted early next week.
I'd love to hear your comments and or feedback.
