Take My Breath Away

You ever have one of those moments that just sends your mind on a whirlwind of emotions that leaves you breathless? We moms have 'em all the time. I just had another one.

Standing there swaying my baby to sleep I realize I don't want to set him down for his nap. Because when he wakes, he'll be older and possibly a bit bigger. He already doesn't sit comfortably on my chest like he used to. His legs just dangling while I hold him so close, listening to his precious breath upon my chest. I love that sound, by the way. His arms draped around my shoulders, hands grasping my shirt as if to say, please don't leave me mama. There goes my first gasp.

My mind turns to how quickly this time has gone by and already I miss it. Even with a colicky baby, I already miss 'em partly because I know this will be our last baby and I know that I can never get that time back. Most of all I will miss the baby laugh, so contagious, so hearty, so pure - nothing phony, just real, innocent joy. I love it so..another gasp.

And then I think how I can't believe my oldest son has turned four. How he's no longer a baby, but a little boy so desperately trying to be a man long before I want him to. Trying to copy everything his daddy does and hangs on his every word. His daddy means the world to him. I'm pretty sure I mean a lot to him too, but its not the same. I'm so proud of him and so thankful I have a husband to be a role model to him. He works so hard to take care of us, and he's always there for us. He would do anything for these boys and well... another gasp.

My mind then jumps ahead a few years and how it won't be long before my sons are asking to go to the movies with their friends or the mall, WITHOUT us. I think of the first time they want to ride in a car their friend is driving, or they want to borrow the car. The first girlfriends. The basement. Drugs, alcohol, speeding, grades, broken hearts, oh my. I think of the peer pressure that comes along with the years ahead and my heart aches. I know they have to go through it, but I'm not looking forward to the growing pains that come with it. And then, oh my God, what if they want to move out? Have you ever seen the mother in Transformers crying because her son is going to college? That's going to be me. My sons will have to move very, very far away to keep me from moving in. I can't imagine them not being in their little beds in our home every night before I go to sleep. I can barely make it through a night when they spend the night at our parents and I know they are safe there. I want them here, where I can hold them close and protect them from all the pains of the world, but I know I can't forever...another gasp.

And then I think of those that have lost their babies. And I gasp...and weep. So many people have lost their children to illness, accidents, war...and I can't imagine. I can not fathom the pain they must have went through and continue to go through. And while I know God can heal, I can't grasp my mind around how. I don't know how I would breathe. I don't know how I would go on. I just don't think I could. So I squeeze Lucas harder, completely out of breath now (me, not him). I am so thankful for this moment, this precious moment we get to share together and I thank God for letting me have it. I pray that I get many more and ask for peace and comfort for those that had to miss out on theirs. Because at the end of the day - the colic, the puke, the tantrums, the unfolded laundry, the cold dinners, the dirty diapers, all those little "annoyances" - they don't matter. What matters are the smiles, the coos, the "I love you mommy's", the first pictures on the fridge, the laughter, their first "jokes", riding their big boy bike, crawling, learning to swim, rolling over, facing their fears head on and beaming with pride when they do something new, their first birthday, and their second....and third and fourth, their first baseball game and more, oh so much more. I love being a mom and I can think of no greater privilege. Thank-you, God. I am humbled and You have taken my breath away...again.