I Woulda Breastfed If I Could. So Get Off Me.

I read an interesting article today about some who wanted to "rant" about how she was given a breastfeeding kit from the hospital and it contained formula. She says she is trying not to offend anyone with her article (although it is filled with slams against formula feeding), her opinion struck a nerve with me. A very sensitive nerve that I didn't think to write about until I realized my comment to her was gonna be a page long. So I decided to write this blog "in response" to hers and will share it with her as well as all of you. You can read the article yourself here, come to your own conclusions. I'd love to know your thoughts about this.

She says she feels society tries to force formula feeding on people. She also feels that there are people who think formula is just as good as breast milk. Funny.. I haven't met one. I happen to agree with her that breast milk is by far the best thing for your babies and that formula will never compare with the milk God intended your babies to thrive from. And for this reason, I will forever be saddened at the fact I wasn't able to breastfeed them.

The bottom line is that she feels judged. Ok, I get that. But, I got news for you, all moms feel judged. It has nothing to do with society as a whole, but rather those we choose to surround ourselves with. It has nothing to do with what we see everyday and everything to do with our minds only seeing what we want to see. It has nothing to do with someone trying to make us feel guilty and everything to do with us constantly seeking approval from others.

As mothers we constantly worry about whether or not we are doing everything right, that we are raising our children the way they should be, that they are nurtured and cared for as well as they should be - and whether or not they are taller than so-and-so, whether or not they learned their abc's faster, whether or not they crawled, walked, etc.. first. Truth is, we all want to succeed as mothers so we constantly compare our children to others and ourselves to various mothers to prove to ourselves we have done our jobs well.

She feels that society bombards her with formula feeding. Well, what if I told you that I feel society bombards me to breastfeed? Has she ever read a formula can? It says "Breastfeeding is best for your child" right on the can. Everyday, every 3 hours, I get to read that phrase...over and over and over. The books that Good Start sends me in the mail? The first page explains why breastfeeding is best for your child and then there is a nice paragraph that says "oh, but if you don't (as if it is always our choice) this formula will suffice. The books Similac sent me to determine what and how much you should feed your child - it gives you a whole chapter on how to breastfeed correctly - followed by if you don't..here's some of our formulas you can choose which are second-best. Says it right in the freakin formula book. You wanna talk about society forcing something down your throat? Try reading any parenting magazine, book, website or flyer. EVERY single one of them will have articles upon articles telling you why you should breastfeed. Why it's better for your children and if you don't they will likely spit up more, have allergies, more earaches, basically be miserable all because you CHOSE not to breastfeed them. Babies R Us has Breastfeeding 101 classes - when's the last time you saw a class on how to pick the right freaking bottle when there are 200 to choose from? Where's the class on what the hell to do when you've tried 12 formulas and your baby's still miserable and the doctor's tired of running tests and tells you to just "deal with it".. where's that class?

I'm sorry, but I CHOSE to breastfeed both of my boys - and neither of them agreed to that plan.

The writer states that there is basically no excuse - that every mother can do it and should ask a consultant for help and that will fix everything. I had two lactation consultants work with me for four days at the hospital day and night (because I was their challenge) trying to get Lucas to latch on. We had all kinds of equipment trying to change whatever they could to me, or help him learn. The hospital had a "no-pacifier" policy if you wanted to breastfeed and even helped the baby latch on immediately after my c-section. We worked so hard...so hard. It brings tears to my eyes every time I talk about it because I was SO determined to not fail at breastfeeding again after my first son couldn't/wouldn't do it either. I caught so much crap by way of comments that I didn't try hard enough for him, that I should have done this or that..maybe if I had done that he wouldn't have had colic so bad or acid reflux so bad..everyone has an opinion, everyone. I tried so hard not to get those comments again - because they hurt. They stung, and still do. People can be so mean.

The consultants finally said they just didn't think it was going to work. If I wanted to breastfeed, I would have to pump and feed. Well, Lucas was 9 lbs at birth (so was Ethan) and HUNGRY. If you can breastfeed all the time, your body will produce what you need. BUT, if your son is colicky and you have a husband that let's just say.."doesn't do babies", you have no way to set him down to pump. And just like the writer admits, it ain't the same when you're pumping..and it's not. You're hooked up to a machine. They tell you a picture of your baby will help you, well not if your baby is sitting right there screaming because you set him down. I got news for you, screaming - that kind of screaming, stops all milk flow. It is heart-wrenching and I've listened to it for almost 5 months now. I tried pumping. With all of my heart I tried - but it made me angry. It would literally nauseate me because it wasn't "right", it wasn't nursing, I wasn't bonding. I would get mad at God, at friends who could breastfeed, at myself, each and every time I tried to pump. And because my opportunities to pump weren't every 2 hours on the dot, my milk was not enough to feed him exclusively. We started supplementing and at 3 weeks, I finally stopped altogether.

I cried everyday for weeks, actually months. Yes, postpartum depression didn't help but I was bombarded by breastfeeding articles, commercials, people and even formula cans. I felt all of society was frowning upon me. I felt I let Lucas down and was a failure to him like I was to Ethan. All of those nursing bras, breast pads, breast cream, the double breast pump, those nursing pajamas.. all a complete waste of money. I felt completely stupid when people would ask me if I was breastfeeding. I didn't know what to say to them. No one wants the details, it's too much information, but if your answer was no, you got the "look" even before you got a chance to explain. I was completely and utterly miserable and it still makes me so jealous to see mothers sharing the ultimate bond with their babies like I so desired to do.

I still wonder if I could have done more, although I have no idea what. I'm sure I could have nursed every second I had someone else to hold Lucas, but I was exhausted like every new mother is - perhaps more because like I said, my husband doesn't "do babies". I was exhausted and tired of not producing but an ounce or two (just like the writer who breastfeeds was getting) when I knew he would need a five ounce bottle in 30 mins. I couldn't keep up - I tried.

So, I guess in summary, I want to say this to Welcome to Mommyhood. I'm sorry you felt bombarded about formula feeding, and I'm sorry you felt you were being judged for breastfeeding. But, can I just say that we are not all some sort of ignorant mass of women that doesn't get that breastmilk is best or some sort of feminist that doesn't want to be bothered by breastfeeding - not all of us CHOSE to formula feed. We already feel guilty enough. We are happy that you get to breastfeed. We are jealous of you. Maybe you should play nice. We all do our best and at the end of the day, it is what it is.

I decided about a month ago when my husband said to me "You're still crying about that?!?" that he was right. It was time to get over it, move on, and worry about what else I needed to do make sure my boys were raised in the best, loving home that I could provide. My four year old is just as smart (if not smarter), just as slim, just as active and just as healthy as the breastfed kids in his class - so I guess he survived - and so will my youngest.

Okay.. I feel better now that I have that off my chest (no pun intended) :)

Good night, everyone. Tomorrow will be a happier topic!